Naturally, since Mr. G and I have a steady history of break-up/make-up, I wonder how things with us will roll out. Is there another make-up talk in the future? Or at least a kinder conversation for closure so that, as my wise therapist (lovingly nicknamed, ‘The Wizard’) says, “We leave each other better off than when you found each other.” I love that sentiment. Regardless of the turmoil, discomfort, or pain. we gave something to each other. At times, we showed each other a tenderness and curiosity that softened our hearts and made us feel special, because we were. We are.
I have no expectation of the future but I do carry a hope that we can find a way to sort it out. It would take a lot, and perhaps more opening up than Mr. G is ready for, but I believe people can change and are capable of so much more than they sometimes think they are.
Giving in to the humanity of oneself changes the world around you. Every day is more alive and interesting. excessive complaining feels like a waste of time. moments are gobbled up by appreciation and gratitude. Don’t get me wrong. The lows still come around and there are days when you feel like gnawing your fingers off cause you’re so pissed/annoyed/frustrated/[enter any painful, uncomfortable emotion here]. Ultimately, it feels amazing to open yourself up to someone. To let another person see you in your rawest moments. Those are the most beautiful, I think.
As the days pass since our break-up, I wonder. What will happen with Mr. G? I’ve been doing some reading on the cyclical make-up/break-up relationships and the chances that they can end in success. There are mixed reviews. Of course, the circumstances and people in every break-up are different. But there is some valuable information to consider here. I’m a silver-lining finder so I appreciate some of what I’ve read. Break-ups aren’t always horrible. As with anything, there are opportunities to be had.
I’m not feeling especially creative this evening so I am going to info dump some snippets from articles I found useful. See what you think:
- The only way too truly breakaway from the vicious cycle that has plagued your relationship and build something stable is to start by identifying the real wants, needs and aspirations of both individuals.
- The tension, frustration and built up resentment from being misunderstood always leads to a breakdown in communication. In order to make the relationship permanent and to avoid yet another breakup you will need to fundamentally change the way you communicate and interact with your ex on a multitude of levels. In fact, your main goal moving forward should be to completely shift the way that you approach talking and relating to each other. Look to always avoid arguments and instead think of potential solutions that can bridge your differences before talking back to your significant other.
- If we’re trying to understand whether on-again/off-again relationship are healthy, we should acknowledge that they’re not all the same. Some evidence suggests that on-again/off-again relationships sort themselves into two primary types (Dailey, Jin, Brody, & McCracken, 2013). The first, called the capitalized-on-transitions type, describes a couple that makes the most of changing circumstances, letting transitions serve as tests or opportunities for relationship improvement. For example, a break-up might allow for the growth that enables a healthy relationship after reunion. The gradual separation type engages in the on-again/off-again pattern with hopes and expectations, but ultimately this pattern gives way to a final break-up.
- The on-off partners who do report more satisfaction say that the on-off nature of the relationship helped improve the relationship; the breakups and renewals gave them a chance to work on themselves or the relationship.
- Even if your relationship has gone through several renewals, the lessons from those who have stopped the cycle of breaking up and renewing may still apply. Change something about the relationship. Discuss new rules and norms. Talk about how to resolve issues that led to the breakups or how to improve the relationship. Don’t just hope that the relationship will be better the next time around.
- Although ending a relationship can be painful, a separation can give a couple space to work on personal issues that have been harming the relationship. ‘It can help individuals reassess their priorities, helping them to know more about what they would like to get out of a relationship,’
Imago relationship therapist, Dr. Sophie Slade, suggests five ways to get your relationship back on track:
- Get curious – curious about yourself, curious about your partner and curious about what led to your break-up. Try to replace all the criticism in your relationship with curiosity.
- Take a long, hard look at your own contribution to the break-up– what were you doing that contributed to the pain in the relationship? Blaming your partner won’t get you anywhere. You can only change yourself.
- See your relationship as an opportunity for your growth. What part of you do you need to grow to create the relationship differently and meet your partner’s needs? And how can you ask your partner to grow to meet your needs in ways he or she can hear and doesn’t have to defend against?
- Create a vision of the relationship that you both want to haveand then work out what you each need to contribute to create that kind of relationship.
- Create some rituals of loving behavior and expressions of appreciation for each other regularly: for example, expressing at least one thing you appreciate them doing for you each day at a specific time.